Living a Transparent Life

I am feeling very vulnerable today. I have spent the better part of my almost 30 years on this earth trying to make sure that the majority of the people around me like me. I like being liked. (Who doesn't?) I like the feeling that others around me understand and appreciate me. Yesterday I decided, upon some advice from a very trusted mentor, that I would share something with trusted friends and family members that I felt had the potential to be cause for some of them not to like my stance on a certain subject. I sent an email and got two immediate responses from some folks that found my stance offensive. I make no apologies for my stance. It was in defense of human life, which I feel is under attack these days (well, all days, really - since the fall of man in the garden of Eden.) Anyway, I felt that I had to speak up and state my belief even though it meant not being liked. Last night I shed a few tears as I went to bed. I realized that they were shed in fear. I am afraid of being truly open with others about who I really am. But, at almost 30 years old, I am beginning to realize that I must learn to live this way - with authenticity and transparency. I recently told a close friend that I believe that one can be considered a liar by omission. I told him that by his choosing not to reveal something that he knew could have the potential for causing a scene, he had chosen to lie and that when the truth was out, this had caused much more heartache in the end than had he just said what was going on. I believe this. Now, I realize, I must live that. I can't tell him that is truth and not desire that truth to be self-evident in my own life.

What it boils down to for me is trust. I have read and re-read Brennan Manning's book, Ruthless Trust, many times and the truth of the book is astounding to me. For one thing, I believe that Mr. Manning is an authentic guy. He tells his life story with incredible openness. He came to realize that by trusting God fully, he could be exactly who God wants him to be. I have to let go of my need to be liked by all those around me and focus on trusting. I know that my fear came not out of trust, but out of selfishness. I feel that I have given up something by saying, "I believe this..." whether it is popular to believe that or not.

In the end it is all about the journey. Every day brings me one step closer in my journey towards God and towards being that person that He wants me to be. Transparency is one part of that picture.